Your Mom Friend: Heaven Schydlowsky

Mom to Soleil and head of E-Commerce at Merit on surrendering control, dreaming, and soaking it all in.

THE BASICS

Talk to us about where you’re from and what you do.

I'm from Los Angeles originally, but I live in Brooklyn with my husband and daughter. I moved here around three and a half years ago. I used to work for a number of companies, mostly back in LA. Goop, Jenni Kayne, and now I work for the makeup beauty company, Merit. I run all e-commerce and digital, overseeing the website.

What is your kid’s name and age?

My daughter’s name is Soleil and she is 14 months. 

Do you have a favorite age so far? And why?

I honestly keep thinking ‘now is the best time’ but it just keeps changing. And right now feels like the best time ever! She's sleeping well but I know that's not forever! Things change rapidly so you’ve got to soak it in. She's in such a good, happy mood. She's super social, wants to run and play. Looking back when she was younger and we first came home from the hospital, I was like, ‘what are we going to do all day?’ I was a bit lost, where now we've gotten into a rhythm.

What do you love about raising kids where you live? Do you wish you were raising them somewhere else?

I love raising my daughter in Brooklyn just because of the exposure to all people. I grew up in LA, but in a very diverse suburb. All of my childhood friends and people I hung out with were all from so many different cultural backgrounds, so I feel really thankful to have that in Brooklyn, because I know that's not always the case in other suburbs, or other cities even. But I am far from family. My family is in LA, my husband's family is in Europe. We're in the middle, which is nice, but I wonder what it would be like if I had my family community nearby. My husband and I often ask ourselves if we would do something different for our second child…Would we move closer to one of our families just to have grandparents, aunts and uncles more present? But our community is great in Brooklyn, and my mom is absolutely insane, and she's like, “Oh, you want a date night? I'll fly out!” and I’m just like you're crazy, but also yes please! My mom and I are best friends.

Can you walk us through a typical day for you and your family? (the morning routine, drop off, work, etc.)

With my current job it’s like, when I'm working, I'm working– there's no room for distractions because my schedule is quite busy. We wake up around 6:45-7:00 AM and I immediately get up and start making some breakfast, or I'll have something pre-made, like these little chickpea spinach pancakes that I make. They sound disgusting but they’re so good and easy to make. I make the batter in a blender, add some banana, cinnamon, and make a whole bunch and freeze them. Simultaneously, the household is already getting ready to move. I've hopefully already taken a shower or taken a shower that evening prior. Then I get ready for work, and then depending on who's on call that day, my husband or I, one of us will drop her off at a nanny share. We share a nanny with one other family that she's been going to since she was around six months. It's a great situation. It's at the other mom's house because she has a lot more space for them to be crazy and have the best time. I actually go from my neighborhood to the very top of Park Slope, which is kind of a crazy commute, a 30-35 minute walk, and then I'll hop on the train and go all the way up to my office in midtown. I work from home two days a week, and on those days that I don't have to go in I'll go to a yoga class and then start working. I savor those days for sure. And then one of us picks our daughter back up at the end of the day. By then it's already quite late in the day, so I'm usually making dinner or heating up dinner. We like to eat as a family, so she gets a good understanding that we eat together and this is what we're eating and everyone's getting the same meal. That's what I'm trying to enforce. It's not always like that. And then it's quiet time, bath time, and off to bed.

What’s the vibe post-bedtime? How do you end your day? 

Dad usually does bedtime, so I'm usually straightening up everything in the kitchen during that time. And then afterwards, we kind of look at each other like, “what do you want to do?” Often we just put on a show if it's really good, where it's a no brainer, and then other times, I feel like our mood is like, do we want to just sit in front of another screen? We're on our screens all day! Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes we can be a bit nerdy and pull out a puzzle or just do something different for once that doesn't involve just laying in front of the TV. I've been reading a lot at night. I’ve been really into Sarah J. Maas books. Sometimes my husband will be like, “where you going?” and I'm like, “to read, bye!!!"

What does YOU TIME look like? How do you find time to take care of yourself while raising a family?

I would say yoga is truly my ‘me time’. I try to fit it in like two to three times a week. I go to the same studio which is Sky Ting. I used to teach in their Chinatown studio. I haven't taught since Soleil was born, so hopefully I can get around to getting back to teaching, but being a student has also been really nice. I don't have to use the brain space to teach other people. I can just show up and have my time. I love to read. I like calm, quiet time, like walks in the neighborhood. I know it sounds so sleepy, but sometimes it's just nice to get out of the house to just have a little bit of alone time, without my partner, without my baby.

MOTHERHOOD 

“I feel like perhaps mothers and other people fail to communicate to new mothers that there are so many different routes and ways to do this.”

Looking back to your early days of motherhood or postpartum, what do you remember most about it? What stuck?

After getting back home from the hospital, I felt this intense adrenaline, I remember feeling SO wired. Even in the hospital, I wasn’t tired, just wired, peering over at my baby constantly. My mom had flown out, so that was really nice. She was staying at our house, and she immediately was cooking and helping out on that end, andI know that I was supposed take advantage to rest and recover, but because I was so wired, I had this feeling of needing ‘to do’, and then all of the sudden, my body was like, hey, actually, we need to pause. For the first time, my body was telling me to sit down. I felt it in my bones, they were like, ‘we can't do this.’ So that was kind of hard to grapple with. 

I struggled a lot with latching at first. I really wanted to nurse and breastfeed. And when I was back home, it was just brutal and so painful. My doula came over about two days later, and I remember crying in the chair because she was trying to help me, and she's like, we're going to get a location consultant and in the meantime, we're going to pump a little bit and do expressed milk in a bottle and when I look back, I remember this very deep feeling of defeat because I had a plan, and it didn't go as planned. Which feels like the thesis of motherhood– you don't have control over anything and you're constantly reminded. And you think you've learned your lesson, and then you get another lesson. I looked at my doula said, ‘I feel like if I do this bottle, I'll never be able to breastfeed again.’ At that time, that felt like the most important thing to me. And she's like, “that's not true". She didn't even say it'll be okay. She's was just like, that's not true. And then a week later, we were latching and making it work. It's still hurt, but we're figuring it out and we were able to nurse, but I just remember these moments where it felt like THE most important thing. And then three days, five days later, something else would come up, and you forgot that “most important thing,” is not even an issue anymore. 

What (if any) advice would you give yourself as a new mom?

I feel like perhaps mothers and other people fail to communicate to new mothers is that there are so many different routes and ways to do this. It's one of the most valuable things you could communicate to a new mom, I think. I got that message early on, and when I received that, I was like, oh my god I’m free.

What’s the best advice someone else has given you about motherhood?

I was only six months postpartum when a friend, who has two kids of her own, told me that some days you will feel like the best mother in the entire world– like you've done drop off and pick up, you made the freshest food, your baby ate everything. They went to bed without any drama, everything going perfectly and that same day, your work takes a hit. Next day, you’re a star at work, you've cleared out your emails. You created the strategic deck, you're killing it. And then that very same day, you're not showing up as your best self as a parent. I needed to hear that. Everything is constantly in flux, you will never be 100% to everyone or every thing in your life. You’re gonna drop a ball here and there, every day will be different. 

What do you enjoy the most about being a mom?

Having a happy baby. She brings so much happiness into my life, into our home, into the world, and I think that's been such an amazing part about motherhood. 

What would you say is your greatest challenge in motherhood? 

I think going back to the idea that you can have something mapped out on how it’s going to go and it doesn't work as planned. That has been a constant challenge for me. That sense of losing control in a way. In this moment of my life, in this chapter as a mother, I've had to be confronted with this a lot. Also, when I drop Soleil off somewhere, like her nanny share, and I'm like, she's going to be so sad, meanwhile she's like “peace out” literally looking right through me. And I'm the one that's crying inside. And just some of these things that feel like she's getting older and bigger and she's able to become independent already at 14 months, I think that's kind of the biggest challenge. I just want to bottle this little moment and keep her close. 

Which values or lessons are most important to you to pass onto your kid(s)?

I want her to dream. And I know that sounds so cliche, but I really want her to feel that if it’s something that she wants, she can go after anything her heart desires and I will be behind her. In every step. And that if things fall short or if things don't go as planned, that also doesn't make her less of a person, of a woman, or of whoever she wants to be. And I’m just here to be her protector. She doesn't need me to be the person that she is. But I'm still going to be behind her no matter what.

COMMUNITY

You mentioned that you and your mom are quite close. Do you feel she modeled a lot of how you are as a mother? Are you very aware of things that you want to do differently or similarly? 

I love this question because my mom raised me by herself. So we were automatically so close and it's been so beautiful. I love having that strong, close relationship with my mom, but it has come with a little bit of pressure. And sometimes the way we communicate can just be a little bit rocky. Also, I'm raising Soleil with my husband, so the dynamic is different than my upbrining, but I do feel this sense of okay, I was close with my mother so Soleil and I are going to be super close. But I am taking some notes from my own childhood of letting my daughter find her way. I felt this really strong sense of needing to ‘helicopter’. My mom didn't have anyone else to bounce ideas off of, or even have someone else take over for a day. She was just really intensely making sure I was doing well, and not thinking about her own life or her own ‘me time’. And I think it became overbearing and for her, she's like, ‘I'm sacrificing everything for you’ and I thank her for that, because she's made me the woman I am today, but I do want to maybe pivot that outlook— I will always have Soleil’s back, but I also want her to know that Mommy has interests and her own life that she also loves, and I don't want her to feel this immense pressure that because I love her so much that I need to rip away everything and have her be my ONLY thing.

What does your support system look like? (ex: childcare, friendships, mother or mother figure, bodyworkers, mentors, healers, therapists, etc.)

Aside from the support of my mom, I have a core friend group both in New York and LA, but I’m the first in my friend group to have a child so they have had fun playing aunties. They're so enthusiastic and over the moon to be involved and help, and that has been so nice--  like when I need alone time and my friends have come in clutch to step in and be the honorary aunties for Soleil, which I feel really lucky to have.

Do you have any favorite parenting resources (podcasts, books, people)?

I’m not a big podcast listener but I do love music. I listen to albums from front to back and music is always playing in our house. We’ll turn on a playlist as soon as Soleil wakes up. It changes the mood, it sets the tone for the day. This one’s our favorite for bedtime.

How do you express love (to your children, partner, family, friends) and how do you like to receive it? (This can be the same as your love language).

With my daughter it’s tons of kisses, tons of hugs - I need to squeeze her. And in her own ways, she’ll do it too… like my foot will be hanging off the bed, and she’ll start kissing my foot. So sweet. The two of us are very * kiss kiss *.  I think for my husband, it's always been acts of service. Like I will know that he had a late night so I’ll make a home-cooked meal - one of his favorites. I'm always trying to do little things, like picking up a croissant. Now I'm just talking about food, but it's kind of my way to win someone's heart - you can just make them full and happy. I feel like that's our love language and vice versa. But also little gifts - he loves to bring home flowers every week, he knows that I love fresh flowers.

How has your relationship with your partner evolved throughout this journey thus far?

In the beginning, it felt like we were kind of figuring each other out. It's interesting because you have these decisions and choices to make in order to raise a human, and as a mother, you can feel a lot more ownership over the decisions, and so I think that's hard to grapple with when someone else has an opinion, and it's not just “someone else”, it's the father of my baby. So, we had to learn how to figure out that some things we weren't going to agree on. We are getting into the groove with our parenting styles, and since we are from two different places, we have to come together and ask things like - “What's important to you?” But I think that's made us stronger, because it’s led to more compromise, more conversations, and more conversations about values, like figuring out ‘what do WE care about’ or ‘what do WE believe?’ So there’s a coming together to align on these things before we make a decision in front of our child.

How have you made your mom friends?

I joined Park Slope Parents. My neighbor had recommended it and she had just had a baby, so I joined a Fort Green New Moms WhatsApp group and that was my saving grace in the very beginning. I remember showing up to my very first group meetup - it was like Mondays at Evelina at 10am and I’m showing up thinking I'm probably going to stay for two minutes and go home. I remember seeing this one mom just like, whip out her boob and they’re kind of fumbling. The same kind of fumble I’m doing at home and she made it happen. And I was like, okay, I can do this. She's figuring it out, I’m figuring it out. And I think that was really good for me to get my confidence being like, I am a mom, I can do this.

What's the number one thing you seek from your mom friends? (i.e. guidance, resonance, validation, mirroring, etc.)

Validation has been the most important for me. Some things that are happening at home that you can't necessarily Google, and you'll be like, oh, like, she's doing this weird thing and then someone would text in the group, just a few hours later like, is your baby also doing this? The validation was so nice, that we are going through the same things. I think that has been really helpful to having mom friends. Like I said, in my friend group, none of them have kids yet, so there are some things that don’t really resonate. So having this special group, where the kids are also mostly same age and even some are second time moms, which we kind of look up to them. I love that kind of support.

What does your ideal mom’s night out look like?

I recently went to yoga and then dinner and drinks with my best friend from back in LA who lives here now too. We sat at dinner for so long, dinner was at 7pm and we were there until 10pm. On the way home in the Uber we were just cracking up laughing. It was just this old friend vibe and I love that - being out too late, I have work in the morning, on a school night, but just being out together and being carefree. It was really special.

STYLE

Did your style change when you became a mother and if so, how? 

When I became pregnant, I felt this sense of freedom to show off my belly. It felt so fun and different, and wanted to wear everything mini, everything short, because I was carrying around my belly everywhere. After giving birth, I had this steep decline in weight, almost more less than I had weighed before pregnancy. And then my body [weight] came back, which was nice, but it did really change, shape-wise, so some of the clothes I was used to wearing didn’t fit the same way. I have been figuring out what fits and what doesn't. And I'm still kind of in that mode, like with some things, I'm like, Oh, should I wear that? Or can I pull that off? And obviously with nursing, it’s about what had easy access. I was wearing so many pumping tanks or nursing tanks with a sweater. Now that I'm getting dressed for work, I'm gravitating towards wanting to be a little bit more dressed up, because there was a time postpartum where it was all about feeling relaxed and cozy. I also I feel myself inching towards getting back to my fun little mini style that I can kind of like walk around and feel fun and good. And even though my body is different, I still love it. It's done so much for me.

Favorite shops? For yourself and your kids?

For myself, I've been really loving Deiji Studios. I love their sets because I don't have to think about it too much, I'm like, we're done. I've been wearing a lot of Jenni Kayne sweaters, but that's from the archive, because I used to work there. For Soleil, I've been loving this shop, Spilled Milk. I also love Mini Rodini, AND because she started walking before her first birthday, we bought See Kai Run, the shoes are so good.

RAPID FIRE QUESTIONS

Favorite last purchase for yourself?

Merit lipstick in the color Ginger. It's a little orange-y pink. The perfect shade and so easy, you can't mess it up.

And for your kids?

This set from Spilled Milk, it’s SO cute.

Fav music?

I've been listening to D'Angelo's Brown Sugar album.

Favorite local restaurant?

Evelina. And also Brooklyn Public House for the house burger and the chicken fingers. Sometimes you just need that.

Fav place for self-care?

Sky Ting for yoga - and they have a sauna and a cold plunge.

Ideal date night?

Dinner outside during sunset. Just a beautiful night, fresh air, good food.

Last book you read?

I just finished the Court of Thorns and Roses series, but now I'm on Crescent City series, by Sarah J. Maas.

Desert Island - products you can’t live without (personal and baby).

I can't live without my Goop lip balm. It's a problem. I also need my head scarf. I need to wrap up my hair, keep it moisturized. Also can’t live without french fries, so I’m taking those with me. And then for Soleil, she needs some moisturizer. I’m obsessed with the Tubby Todd one. And Soleil definitely needs her fake iPhone. There's no screen to it, but she’ll be like, hello, hello? She's always on the phone.

Define in one word: expectation of motherhood…

Restricting or limiting.

Define in one word: reality of motherhood…

The reality is, you have more options than you think. You're free. I thought I was going to be boxed up in my home and now I'm realizing we can be out together, we can make it work, we've got options.

Favorite recipe that your kids will actually eat? 

She loves a chicken congee. It's so easy, just rice, chicken broth and chicken. You just cook it forever. She eats it up and thinks it’s the best thing ever. And Spinach Banana Pancakes. Recipes below!

Chicken Rice Porridge

• Cup of  white rice

• 4 cups of water (or chicken broth)

• 4 boneless skinless thighs

• Big pinch of salt

• Optional: Chinese red dates

Add to a heavy bottom pot and bring to a boil. The bring to medium-low simmer. Stirring often and adding water where needed until rice is super soft and forms a porridge like consistency. Garnish with whatever you like: tamari, sesame oil and seeds, scallions, crispy garlic, chili crisp :)

Spinach Banana Pancakes

• 1 Banana

• Pinch of Cinnamon

• 1/4 cup of Almond Milk

• 1 Egg

• Handful of spinach

• 1/4 of teaspoon of vanilla extract

• Pinch of Salt

• 1/4 of teaspoon of baking powder

• 1 cup of Flour (I use chickpea for extra protein)

• Butter 

Add the first six ingredients to a blender and blend until smooth. In a separate bowl, add baking powder and flour and combine. Add the blender items to the dry ingredients and stir with a spatula. Heat butter on a pan/skillet to medium high until butter slightly bubbles. Using a large spoon or ladle, add pancake batter to the pan into little pancakes (up to four in a pan_. Cook for 3 minutes waiting for mixture to form little bubbles and then flip with a spatula waiting another 3 minutes. Move finished pancakes to the side and begin another batch. Serve with peanut butter, maple syrup, or sliced banana! Store in the fridge or stack with parchment paper in a sealed container in the freezer to reheat in the oven later. 

You can find + follow Heaven on Instagram here.