Your Mom Friend: Emily Barasch

Mom to Joshua and Leo, Freelance Writer, and Head of Content at Seven Starling on finding the humor, Laugh-Crying, and remembering it’s all temporary.

THE BASICS

Talk to us about where you’re from and what you do.

I'm from Manhattan. I work as Head of Content for Seven Starling, which is a virtual maternal mental health clinic. We do telehealth therapy for women suffering from infertility, pregnancy loss, and anxiety and depression in the perinatal period. The goal is to provide affordable, quality specialized care to a population desperately in need or want. We also offer telehealth group therapy, which is unique, beloved, and necessary. I write a bi-monthly newsletter called “The Laugh-Cry,” for all our patients and other subscribers. I named it that because that encapsulated the motherhood experience for me. I freelance write for places like Vogue.com, Romper, and Hey Alma. I have also been working on a novel for like five years, which is embarrassing to type but it's fully true! 

What are your kid(s) names and ages?

Joshua (3.5)
Leo (2)

Do you have a favorite age so far? And why?

I must say I prefer the toddler stage to the baby one. There's nothing better than sniffing a small baby sleeping on your chest, but in general I like them playful, sturdy, and able to tell me what they want. Things like sickness (for me) don't feel as heightened when they're bigger.

What do you love about raising kids where you live? Do you wish you were raising them somewhere else?

We just moved to the suburbs a couple months ago. We are pleased to be planting roots and have a backyard and basement for my little feral sweet animal children.

Can you walk us through a typical day for you and your family? (the morning routine, drop off, work, etc.)

We've been in a bit of sleep pickle with our oldest. To put it mildly, he hasn't quite mastered the crib to bed transition. For me, from a mental and general health perspective, sleep is truly everything. It is the most precious commodity, the greatest gift, the thing that keeps it all moving. But unfortunately, our three year old doesn't share that point of view and like many three year olds, he has an ironclad will. So depending on who was up with him, dealing with what can only be described as hellish B.S., one of us sleeps in a little later and the other one wakes up with them around 6:30ish. I slurp cold brew, almond milk, and sugar in the raw from my special dirtbag mom cup when I should probably be having water. The boys drink milk and play with their trains and Magnatiles. We eat breakfast around 7:30 and then get dressed for school. I like for the boys to spend as much time outdoors post-school to get their zoomies out. We eat dinner around 5:30, play some more either outside or in the basement and then bath, PJs, reading, and nighttime. Pray to the gods for a goodnight sleep. 

What’s the vibe post-bedtime? How do you end your day?

I wish I could say grounding meditation, bath with salts and dry brush, and then into bed with a book. But usually it involves making or ordering dinner if I don’t eat with the boys, debriefing with my husband for a little, and either watching a show with him or crawling into bed with the ladies of Bravo or mindlessly scrolling TikTok. I'll actively say to myself "Emily you have 30 minutes to dissociate, have fun!" Reclaiming my time, etc. I spend a lot of time texting with other women who are doing the same pre-bed dissociation dance. I’m in a wonderfully active group chat with my three best friends since we were six and another one that’s been going since with Covid with women I’ve only met a couple times IRL, but are truly best friends, where we just talk reality TV. I still read a lot of novels, not as many as before kids. Once or twice a week, I have dinner out with friends. 

What grounds you inside and outside of motherhood?

It's somewhat hard to separate the two. Outside of it, spending time with my own nuclear family. I love to chill with my sister, brother, and parents. The rituals we do as part of the Jewish faith like Shabbat. Walking. Listening to music. The rare opportunities like weddings or concerts for communal dancing. I love a really well-organized and heartily-participated hora. Being with extremely old friends who give me a lot of shit. Being with my two grandmas, one is 98 and the other is about to turn 90 and hearing about how they’ve survived mind-blowing things. 

Inside of motherhood, I do have mantras. "It's all temporary" is one, which reminds me that this too shall pass, but also that this is going to pass, savor it! They're never going to be this little, he won't have tiny ringlets or want to kiss and hug me forever yada yada yada. More darkly, I am palpably aware that the photographs I take in these years are going to be the ones I am looking at on my deathbed. Over Christmas break last year, my kids got the flu and my youngest got a terrible case of croup on top of it. We had to spend a night in the hospital and then two days later, go back to the ER. We canceled a sunny vacation we were greatly looking forward to. Everyone got sick and it was freezing outside. In those kinds of situations, sometimes it is honestly just a hug from my husband or a long bathroom break that maybe includes a shower. I also find reading to my kids, knee deep in Grumpy Monkey or Llama Llama, soothing and grounding. 

What does YOU TIME look like?

Nail salon chair massage. Reading. Wandering around aimlessly in my neighborhood on a sunny day. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake, Beverly Hills, Potomac, Miami, and I guess the new New York, but I have thoughts and feelings about it. Great bookstores. Love Island, UK and the newest US season. Getting my hair blown out. Finishing a long form article from top to bottom. Putting on a podcast and cleaning my kitchen. The online shopping hunt, like I'll decide I need something fairly specific like a floral printed jacket or a silver ballet flat and spend too much time comparing options. (Right now, it’s a corduroy jean mini skirt? Like I need that as a 35 year mom?) Being with friends, texting with friends, FaceTiming with friends. I speak to my sister all day long via text, FaceTime, and our shared shopping photo album.

MOTHERHOOD 

Looking back to your early days of motherhood or postpartum, what do you remember most about it? What stuck?

Our early days with Joshua were beautiful but also gnarly. I got pregnant in April 2020 and gave birth in early January 2021, just as doctors were getting their first vaccine dose. My first prenatal visit, all the medical staff were in Hazmat suits and my husband couldn't come in. I spent my whole pregnancy essentially in isolation and when we finally had him, we all got Covid in the hospital. (My husband had such bad symptoms, he ended up having to go to the emergency room, really chill and good times you can read about in this essay I wrote for Vogue.com.) As someone who already dealt with anxiety and depression in the most carefree of times—WHY WAS I SAD IN COLLEGE!?!, I sometimes ask myself—of course, this crazy situation plus a melange of postpartum hormones was going to be a petri dish for some intense, often dark thoughts and emotions. It goes without saying, but because of mommy culture, I feel I must mention here, I absolutely loved (love) my baby and every single thing about him. (But also, if you don't bond with your baby right away and/or it takes time, that is so perfectly normal too! But also worth a mention to your provider and/or therapist!) During that period, it was almost like I couldn't differentiate between this intense love for him and the intense worry I felt about him. But it was really month four and five postpartum that it hit me hard. In short, I found myself obsessing about if something would happen to him in his sleep a lot on top of obsessing about a lot of other things about him. Ordinarily I'm a pretty easy cryer, but I found it really hard during that period of time to emote. I felt like I was on autopilot, unable to access myself. After the dust settled—the remedies: therapy, meds rejiggering, stopping breastfeeding, good old fashioned time—I found it bewildering that I experienced all of this, with so much privilege and so much support, and so many other women were doing it with none of that. It completely changed my career trajectory and life purpose.

What (if any) advice would you give yourself as a new mom?

There are all these little micro-stages—gas in infancy, teething, sleep regressions, toddler tantrums, the inevitable non-stop winter viruses, biting (just us?!?)—that feel so big and so hard when you're in it, especially for the first time. When I was in one, it felt like it would never end, that we'd never find our way out of the black hole of the problem. (Also as mentioned, I can veer toward depressive thinking, but I don't suppose I'm alone in that!) But we always grew out of it, moved out of the phase. Finding humor too is absolutely essential. My partner and I, my friends and I, laugh about almost everything. 

What’s the best advice someone else has given you about motherhood?

Even when it feels really hard, take pictures.

What do you think is the one thing no one really tells (or warns) you about motherhood?

Norovirus. Seven months pregnant. With a toddler. Seriously, though. Yes, the village is essential and the community so important, but at the end of the day, no one is going to care about your baby as much as you (and your partner.) No one is going to know him better and no one will need to advocate for him more than you. If you're not going to do it, no one else will. Also, since kids benefit from having happy, emotionally stable parents, all of that also includes taking care of myself! It's worth saying out loud: This is a heavy responsibility I still grapple with at times. Even small things like sometimes I'll look at my kids and think, omg is someone going to clean those ragamuffins up? And then, I'll remember it's *me.* 

What do you enjoy the most about being a mom?

Hearing my kids laugh, when they make each other laugh, making them laugh. Watching them dance or sing or do their little wacky things that make them "them." Watching them try to do things they didn't want to do initially. Watching them with other children (when they're behaving) and watching them acquire more independence. Watching them discover nature, art, and music.

What would you say is your greatest challenge in motherhood?

I've struggled with anxiety and over-worrying my whole life and also a deep fear of being uncomfortable—so um, those things get amplified when faced with the task of raising children. Impatience, anger at things they or I cannot control, all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing, perfectionism. Staying present and sitting in unease, avoiding the compare and despair game, being hard on myself. Letting shit go. Keeping my cool. Ooooof.

What does ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’ look like for you?

It looks like Ritz crackers and warm pasta with butter we all eat. It looks like peanut butter under my nails and putting on Daniel Tiger or Thomas the Tank Engine (and his Friends, can't forget his Friends! If you chuckled at this joke, I feel bad for you/us) or godforsaken Blippi. It looks like me next to them in dirty sweats with my air buds in watching clips of Watch What Happens Live. I love you, Andy Cohen. It looks like skipping the bath, doing the dishes later, and ordering frozen yogurt for myself at 9pm. But sometimes that is what we need and it’s totally fine.

Which values or lessons are most important to you to pass onto your kid(s)?

Graciousness and gratitude. I want them to care about people who don't have it as good as they do. I take seriously the responsibility of raising two boys with a lot of birth-given benefits. I want them to learn emotional and bodily boundaries, theirs and other peoples. Respect for women, respect for elderly, respect for tradition but also have the ability to challenge and question it. I want them to laugh a lot but not at the expense of others. (I need to work on this too, especially as it pertains to reality TV show stars.)

COMMUNITY

What does your support system look like? (ex: childcare, friendships, mother or mother figure, bodyworkers, mentors, healers, therapists, etc.)

My support system is robust and I want and need that. I am so lucky for this and so sorry it's not accessible to everyone. (But also—this is why I went to work for Seven Starling, to help fix this problem!) Goes without saying, but must be said: the help I have is an incredible privilege. Seventy percent of countries in the U.S. do not have enough maternal mental health practitioners. Black mothers are more likely to experience postpartum depression than any other demographic but less likely to get help. Chronic stress, medical malfeasance, and birth trauma are huge issues in many communities. These are just a couple factors and stats that are part of the grim picture of maternal mental health in this country. Not to mention a lack of access to reproductive health and the criminalization of pregnancy, which is killing and traumatizing women across this country.

The privilege I have is racial and financial, but also geographical. Living in NYC was a gift because there exists so little stigma for getting help. I've been working with the same talk therapist for ten years. She is trained in D.B.T. or dialectic behavioral therapy, which merges behavioralism with practices found in Eastern religions. The big takeaway is finding "radical acceptance" in two opposite truths. One great example, so apt in motherhood is "I did my best but I can still do better." I also see a fabulous reproductive psychiatrist that helped me navigate my pregnancy and postpartum period. Outside of that, I am comfortable and happy seeking help for any problem I have. I've gone to a lactation specialist, sleep consultant, and physical therapist—you name it, I have no shame asking for help if I need it. I also would rather go this route than spend hours Google-ing and tearing my hair out. Again, massively lucky for this and do not take it for granted.

My family is a huge pillar of support too. My parents and in-laws watch the boys with glee and gusto. I rely on my mom for an enormous amount of advice and help, and the fact that she always picks up my multiple calls a day is really special. My sister and brother are iconic, dedicated, and hilarious babysitters. My husband has three kind, strong, and incredibly fun sisters and between us, there are eleven kids under the age of ten. We moved to 'burbs to be closer to them and I find parenting alongside them to be a joy.

Do you have any favorite parenting resources (podcasts, books, people)?

I deeply admire the work of both parenting columnists at New York magazine: Kathryn Jezer-Morton and Amil Niazi. I enjoy reading Jessica Grose at the New York Times. Romper is an amazing website I was so excited to contribute to with tons of invaluable resources and interesting voices about raising kids and being a mom. I loved Jessi Klein's book, I'll Show Myself Out. I listened to an Ezra Klein episode with Jia Tolentino recently about Cocomelon but also about the experience of parenting at this moment of time that blew my mind. 

In terms of more practical resources, Taking Cara Babies: I know the politics are questionable and sorry if my hypocrisy is blinding here, but she really helped me especially when they were babies. I like the Big Little Feelings "Winning the Toddler Phase" course and also like their podcast. I am a fan of Dr. Becky. The first time I heard her say that kids crave being told “I believe you,” it made me cry. Other parenting accounts on Instagram: @highlysensitivefamily, @themompsychologist, @solidstarts, and @healthiest_baby. 

How have you made your mom friends?

I picked up people in the park. Invited them to my house. Forced them into being friends with me. 

What's the number one thing you seek from your mom friends? (i.e. guidance, resonance, validation, mirroring, etc.)

Mostly laughter, good lols about serious topics. Dark humor. Inability to take anything too seriously. Also, consistency. Showing up, which can look like so, so many things. Sometimes I need to be gassed up or coddled and sometimes I need to have someone hold me accountable, the best friends know how and when to do either.

The same goes for my friends who do not have kids. Sometimes motherhood can look and function like a cult to those on the outside, and I’m so happy to have friends who are on the outside of it, whether by choice or just haven’t got there yet. 

STYLE

Do you have a uniform? If so, what does it consist of?

I wear a lot of denim on denim. Turtlenecks in the winter. Easy flowy dresses in summer. Stripe shirts. Been a big ballet flat wearer since the “indie sleaze” days and was thrilled and then sort of dismayed when they came back recently. I fuck with any shape of a jean as long as it's high-waisted, but I am excited for skinny to inevitably return. My best friend Olivia sent me Oofos gardening clogs which feel like heaven in a shoe and then my other mom friend Ari Ratner, a jewelry designer queen, asked me if they were Balenciaga which was a high point of life. (She now claims she was joking.)

Favorite shops? For yourself and your kids?

I almost exclusively shop online. I’m a big time The Real Real rat. My sister works at Tombolo and they have a lot of cool pieces that are frankly too cool for me but I wear them anyways. Nothing too groundbreaking here: but Reformation and Doen are still very cute. I love this French brand Maria de la Orden. Brands I oogle but rarely press “purchase” unless on TRR because omg it’s so much: Toteme, Marni, Altuzarra, and Emilia Wickstead. In terms of kids, I have a bone to pick with boys' clothing. I find that the styles are either like firmly SKATER BOY or BIT ROLE IN THE NUTCRACKER or SUPER HERO BRANDED or I REGULARLY VISIT YACHT CLUBS WITH MY GOOD FRIENDS POOKIE AND TUCKER, with not that much normal in between. That said, I like Oso and Me. My friend Catherine started a company called Shop Milk Teeth that has the most unique and happy baby and kids clothing. I go on Maisonette a lot; their sales are really fantastic. Zara ugh sorry, I know I should stop! For babies, I didn't understand the Mori hype at first, but it is the softest brand. Big fan of the pjs that zip, in general snap buttons are wack. Kyte, not to be confused with KHAITE, has onesies that zip are light, fit nicely (delightfully stretchy) and come in great colors. Organic Zoo is so soft and stylish especially if you want to dress your kid like a Brooklyn hipster who just moved upstate, which sometimes I do! Gerber baby white onesies were essential in early days, very soft and fit well, but also totally disposable if/when they poop on them.  

RAPID FIRE

Fav podcast?

I’m an avid podcast listener. I love Garbage World (formerly Bitch Sesh) so much, I could cry. I also listen to Las Culturistas, Keep It, Ringer Dish, and Everything is Iconic with Danny Pellegrino. For more serious fare, Deep Dive, The Ezra Klein Show, NPR, and Pod Save America / Pod Save the World.

Last book you read?

So fucking on brand, but I loved this book, BoyMom. A journalist and mom of three does a deep dive into all the research around raising boys juxtaposed with her own personal experience. I just started the new Emily Witt book, Health and Safety.  

Fav place for self-care?

Before we moved, a place called Le Jolie on the Upper West Side. No frills, just manicures that last a long time and a killer chair massage. Tina Fey and every fabulous yenta west of Central Park are regulars.

Ideal date night?

Dinner out at 6pm, ice cream at home, in bed by 9pm.

Define in one word: expectation of motherhood

Blissful (lol)

Define in one word: reality of motherhood

Soul-revealing

FAVORITE GO-TO RECIPE that your kids will actually eat?

No one would call me a chef, but this is a go to for breakfast: Two bananas, two eggs, a tablespoon of ground chia seeds and a sprinkle of cinnamon. Mush it up. On the cast iron pan, you can get a couple servings of healthy "pancakes."

You can find + follow Emily on Instagram here.