Your Mom Friend: Alyssa Neilson
Los Angeles mom to Ellie and Global Social Media Marketing Lead at Spotify on seeking out (and sacrificing) the best quality of life.
THE BASICS
Talk to us about where you’re from and what you do?
I live in Los Angeles with my family and I lead global brand social at Spotify.
What are your kid(s) names and ages?
Her name is Ellie. She’s newly 4!
Do you have a favorite age so far? And why?
In her infancy, I loved the 9-11 months range, she was so sweet and engaged but still so easy to dress and take everywhere. To be real, I didn't love 2-3 but now that she's nearly four, I am loving the stage she's in. She's advanced and can finally engage with me at a high level and is so much of a "child", all of the sudden. I actually can't wait to have a 7 or 8 year old too.
What do you love about raising kids where you live? Do you wish you were raising them somewhere else?
You can't beat the weather in Los Angeles — I love that we can be at the beach in November, or just playing outside very comfortably no matter what part of the year it is. I think that's good for kids and good for parents too. I also love the space you get here, and the insane access to quality nature both in LA and just in California in general. We go to the desert, ski resorts, forests, ocean, mountains all within a 2 hour drive. My daughter hikes on top trails and goes to the beach nearly every week. She was born in New York, where I had been living for over 9 years. Sometimes I regret letting her "push me out" of NYC, because I wanted to live there for the rest of my life until I got pregnant. I think the amount of cultural exposure she would have had there would have been much better had I stayed. LA, due its infrastructure and sprawl is very segregated, and I sometimes really dislike that since I am raising a black child on a very "white" side of the city. We are also unique in that my husband is from the Netherlands, and before moving to LA 1.5 years ago, we spent the bulk of Ellie's life in Amsterdam after leaving NYC, between when she was 3 months old until 3 years old, and the quality of life we gave up -- especially in terms of social safety nets and just overall safety, health, food standards, and kid-centric policies and city centers is hard to grapple with at times. I didn't have to be as diligent overall as a parent there as I have to be here, and that's just a little sad. Being a parent in America is easily much more unnecessarily stressful, more expensive and just scarier than it needs to be, due to policies (or lack thereof).
Can you walk us through a typical day for you and your family? (the morning routine, drop off, work, etc.)
My husband normally wakes up with my daughter at 7:15ish, I stay in bed a little later until 7:45. I start working immediately, since I work more NYC hours. My husband takes my daughter to daycare around 8:30 and does everything in the morning -- her hair, her lunch, packing her backpack. Motherhood has made me super efficient, and my husband has a more flexible job than me, so I work from about 8am until 1pm, then get lunch and workout. I jam pack all of that before going to pick up my daughter at 4:45 everyday. Then the usual things -- grocery store, cooking dinner, cleaning up, bedtimes. We're never home on weekends, we're always out in the city or exploring new areas, shops, art or places to eat. Or we're at the beach.
What’s the vibe post-bedtime? How do you end your day?
Shower, take care of myself, do my skincare routine, brush my hair and moisturize. Then I lay in bed with my husband and we cycle through movies to watch, going back and forth on those for maybe two hours before falling asleep watching what we chose.
Where are you finding creative inspiration these days?
I do a lot of walking, about 10,000 steps a day. I get really inspired by my hikes also, just the landscapes. I love my photo books, they are my archives and I mostly get interior inspiration from them, or just style inspiration too.
What grounds you inside and outside of motherhood?
What grounds me inside of motherhood is knowing my daughter is a different person today than she was yesterday and will be tomorrow. She is always changing. What grounds me within motherhood is my faith, easily.
What does YOU TIME look like?
I love working out and cooking. Recently, I've noticed my schedule is consumed by work, my family and working out, and I'm struggling with that. Working out is healthy and essential for me, but I need more hobbies that don't require a bunch of output. I'm thinking of starting pottery this summer.
MOTHERHOOD
Looking back to your early days of motherhood or postpartum, what do you remember most about it? What stuck?
I had a very traumatic and unique start to motherhood, because I gave birth in May 2020 in total isolation in NYC. My husband (boyfriend at the time), was unable to enter the country due to covid travel bans that didn't have any reasonable exemptions for relationships/partners or expecting parents. I was alone with my daughter for 17 days until he was approved to enter the country from Amsterdam, after her birth certificate was issued by a very backed up hospital administrative office (rightfully so at that time). I will never forget just how sad and unfair that was. When my partner finally met our daughter, it was my first time seeing him in 5 months due to shutdowns. I had seen him last at the end of February 2020. I spent my entire 3rd trimester in my Brooklyn apartment alone and couldn't even go to the grocery store. Fortunately, I was okay physically and healthy and up and moving in my pregnancy without issue and right after I delivered my daughter. But unfortunately, I couldn't get my milk to come in and steadily underproduced because I spent my first days postpartum emailing border agents, faxing hospital forms for my boyfriend to sign, etc. The stress and entire ordeal stole a lot from me but somehow I remember still managing to find a flow with my baby, and she was so easy. She slept 11 hours straight every night, and I still had time to do all the things you hear you won't be able to do in the first weeks We'd take walks around Brooklyn most days since it was early summer and even if it was just getting a coffee, it was special to me.
What (if any) advice would you give yourself as a new mom?
You can do this entirely your way and it will be okay.
What’s the best advice someone else has given you about motherhood?
The days are long but the years are short.
What do you think is the one thing no one really tells (or warns) you about motherhood?
Nobody cares about your kid as much as you do, and people don't really help as much as they say.
What do you enjoy the most about being a mom?
Watching my daughter explore everything, and watching her grow into herself.
What would you say is your greatest challenge in motherhood?
Finding similar moms to hang out with. Motherhood still largely looks one way and I hardly resonate with that.
What does ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’ look like for you?
Letting my daughter eat "snacks" all day -- crackers, berries, apple slices instead of a heftier meal.
Which values or lessons are most important to you to pass onto your kid(s)?
Empathy for others and sense of adventure.
COMMUNITY
What does your support system look like? (ex: childcare, friendships, mother or mother figure, bodyworkers, mentors, healers, therapists, etc.)
We forfeited most of these things by moving to LA, where neither of our families live (or even remotely close). My parents are in Dallas and Atlanta, and my husband's are in the Netherlands. We have an amazing preschool that we found about 5 months into living here and it's been so good to us. We've met our closest adult LA friends through the school, too, who have children that are best friends with our daughter.
Do you have any favorite parenting resources (podcasts, books, people)?
I love Jessica Grose's columns in the New York Times about parenting and motherhood and key issues. I also love kidtalk.co and @nurturedfirst on Instagram.
How do you express love (to your children, partner, family, friends) and how do you like to receive it? (This can be the same as your love language)
Quality time for sure. It can just be a special outing or experience together.
How has your relationship with your partner evolved throughout this journey thus far?
We're definitely a lot closer. I think our move to LA actually intensified that more than just parenthood by itself actually. We rely on each other a lot and we are each other's safe places.
How have you made your mom friends?
Preschool and online mainly. My first ever Mom friend sent me a cold DM when I was still pregnant because she'd just had a baby girl in Bed Stuy. I hung out with her for the first time when I'd had mine and she was just 5 days old. We'd meet at a local playground with her 5 month old and my 1 month old just to talk on the benches with iced lattes for months on end every few days before I left NYC. That really got me through a lot. I think just reaching out is key. Motherhood is otherwise so alienating.
What's the number one thing you seek from your mom friends? (i.e. guidance, resonance, validation, mirroring, etc.)
It would definitely just be lifestyle resonance or mirroring. I don't think friendships need to be super limited, but I do want friends who understand this stage and have similar schedules and would prefer to hangout on a Saturday morning with the kids, versus a Friday night until 3am.
What does your ideal mom’s night out look like?
A good restaurant that isn't child-friendly, good wine.
STYLE
Did your style change when you became a mother and if so, how?
It hasn't really changed overall—long before motherhood I only wore super agile, comfortable clothing with more of a sportswear focus. Pregnancy was the first time I'd ever gained more than maybe 5 pounds, so that was really really hard. I'd never had to try clothes on, return clothes for not fitting, etc until pregnancy, and more or less I'm still doing that now. I've had so many weight fluctuations postpartum (losing the weight from my pregnancy, gaining it back from PPD and antidepressants I tried -- plus, I also feel like pregnancy shifted my metabolism a bit or maybe it's just age?). I'm still having to sell clothes from my closet from them no longer fitting me properly in the right places, and that's okay. I think because of these changes, I've been wearing less jeans even now that it's been four years -- and more skirts, dresses, baggier things.
What do you wear to drop-off? / What do you wear for a weekend hang?
The same things as always. Even though I work from home, I have this mental block if I'm not fully dressed. I normally wear a basic tee, comfy trousers or a cute skirt and just slick my hair back with gel or a hair mask to get out of the door. I think the only difference on weekends is that I take a little bit more time to style a fuller look.
Do you have a uniform? If so, what does it consist of?
I wear a lot of Issey Miyake Pleats Please postpartum. It's a weird take, but the elastic and "one size fits all" sort of sizing really helped my self-esteem when I had gained a little weight at first. It's stretchy but still so elegant, so I've collected a good amount over the last couple of years. My uniform is normally a nice button down, trousers or a nice skirt and sneakers. I've always been big on high and low -- so usually pairing something more on the formal side with something super casual. I also love jerseys, caps, and anything authentically sporty like vintage collegiate gear. I also love vintage Miu Miu and Prada Sport.
Favorite shops? For yourself and your kids?
I love SSENSE for myself but lately for my daughter too, their selection is good and the shipping is fast. I unfortunately do most of my shopping for my daughter online, and I really think LA needs more kids clothing boutiques. My daughter mainly wears Mini Rodini, Bobo Choses, Tiny Cottons, or Primary. I try to stick with online brands and shops that are sustainable and truly designed for kids and their imaginations. I also love Maisonette for toys and accessories and things for her.
Best vacation spots with the family? Where’d you go, what’d you do, where’d you stay? Anywhere you’d like to go?
In California we love Santa Barbara, Ojai and Montecito. It's so beautiful but still so local to us. We're in the process of looking to purchase a summer home outside of Amsterdam which will serve as our little Dutch cottage house for summers there, and I'm really excited about that. We are otherwise still so behind on super exciting international travels since we became a family in covid and also all of our moves and whatnot, but I'm also super excited to go to Jamaica with my daughter and husband for their first times since it's where my entire family is from.
RAPID FIRE
Favorite last purchase for yourself?
A vintage Prada nylon handle bag from The Real Real or new Wales Bonner x Adidas SL76's!
And for your kids?
I got my daughter a digital camera from Kidamento for her 4th birthday and she loves taking portraits of everything on it and some are actually really good.
Fav podcast?
Even though I work at Spotify I do not have one! I listen to such a wide range.
Favorite local restaurant?
Ruen Pair or Jitlada in Thai Town in East Hollywood.
Favorite place for self-care?
The hike trails behind my house.
Ideal date night?
Drinks and then the movies, always.
Last book you read?
“Los Angeles: The Architecture of Four Ecologies” by Reyner Banham
Desert Island- Products you can’t live without (personal and baby)
Weleda Skin Food for me and Amika's leave-in conditioner for my daughter's curls.
Define in one word your expectation of motherhood:
Sentimental
Define in one word your reality of motherhood:
Whirlwind
FAVORITE GO-TO RECIPE that your kids will actually eat?
My daughter loves ground lamb meatballs that I make by hand. She also loves penne with Penne with Marcella Hazan butter tomato sauce, which she calls "tunnels pasta with red sauce."
